5 Ways to Help Your Partner Cope with Perinatal Loss
By Maya Fawley, Marriage and Family Therapy Master’s student at Auburn University
Perinatal loss is defined as the death of an infant as a result of miscarriage, stillborn, neonatal death, or elective termination and the grieving process looks different from the average bereavement process. This type of grief is often considered to be more complicated given the unexpected nature of infant loss. Navigating these emotions is particularly important for couples given the increased likelihood of separation after the experience of infant loss.
“My husband felt the need to be strong for me and thought it was important to encourage me to match this by trying to focus on the future and carry on. I found it hard to see this as grief at all. Ultimately, after pushing our marriage to the very brink, we were able to find a way to be more understanding of each way of grieving and support each other to become stronger as a married couple.” — Sarah, who lost her son Tristan (Tommys.org)
1. Share. Each person’s experience with loss is different and sharing this with your partner gives them an idea of what you are personally going through. Many women hold the belief that their body failed them, and grapple with feelings of self-blame, guilt, and shame. Oftentimes, men are expected, or feel obligated, to show strength for their partner, which can delay the process of their own grief experience. Sometimes attending a support group, or talking with a therapist, can be helpful in normalizing these emotions.
2. Stay connected. Some couples feel a deeper sense of connection and closeness immediately following a loss, which can ease in the bereavement process. However, some couples lose that connection when the stress of everyday life returns, and reality starts to sink in. This can create feelings of resentment, and loneliness, and frustration. It is important to continue making the relationship a priority and communicating these emotions and needs, even if it means asking for a little space. (Seleni.org)
3. Be patient. Studies show that six months after the loss is the most crucial period for parents (Tseng et al., 2017), and one partner’s grieving style may look very different from the other’s. Acknowledging these differences can be what keeps a couple from separating. One person may be eager to move forward and try again, whereas another partner may be very anxious about the potential of experiencing another loss. It’s also not uncommon for there to be mental, physical, and emotional barriers to having sex post-loss (healthline.com).
4. Memorialize. Couples experience a sense of attachment to the baby, regardless of when the loss occurs, and so much of the grieving period is related to grieving the loss of a future with this child. Rituals have the potential of bridging a gap between the couple and their shared customs and traditions and create an opportunity for meaning making. Saving baby memorabilia, naming the child, or having a funeral service are potential avenues for remembering the lost infant.
5. Support. Studies have shown the further along the pregnancy, the longer the grieving period (glowm.com). You might find that your partner is experiencing symptoms of post-partum depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, or struggling with substance abuse. The loss of an infant can have long-term psychological affects and encouraging a partner to seek help can be lifesaving.
