Infertility Through a Lens of Connection Rather than Division

by Dylann Lowery and Jada Henderson (MS students in Marriage and Family Therapy)

Though infertility is a common experience for many women across the world, many parts of the emotional experience are not talked about and are hidden from other domains (i.e., work, family, friends, spiritual, cultural). Infertility can cause extreme shame with women as many people view this as part of the woman’s role within society. This can cause an increase in isolation from many groups of people including peers with children, peers without children by choice, and peers who are also going through infertility. Although it affects women in these ways, infertility is often deemed by society a “woman’s issue,” but research indicates that it can make a shift in the entire family system (i.e, within the couple, within the parents of the couple, and between siblings).

When asked what was needed most when dealing with the hardship of infertility and/or loss, couples reported that they mostly needed a safe space to talk about how the loss and/or childlessness affected them and their relationship. In conjunction, the couples also reported that they needed to learn healthy communication skills to both express and digest their emotions
about the experience as well as their partner’s. Individuals who have experienced infertility/loss can sometimes assume that they know and understand what their partner is feeling when that is often not the case. An integral part of making meaning of the experience and coping with it, is a
shared understanding about what each partner is feeling and what they may need to move forward. Apart from debriefing about the intense fertility journey, couples can also use their learned healthy communication skills to navigate the normal relational stress and conflict that is often exacerbated before, during, or after the process of conceiving a child.

When Communicating with Your Partner:
● Don’t assume that you know what they are feeling or thinking. Ask about what you want to know about.
● Check in with your partner regularly. Thoughts and feelings are bound to change over time.
● Save heavy conversations for a safe place, and a good time.
● Respect your partner’s coping style. It may look different than yours, and that’s okay.
● Turn toward your partner rather than away. Difficult times are more manageable when navigated as a unit.

What You Shouldn’t Do When Connecting with Trying or Childless Couple:
● Pressure them to continue trying if they become disinterested
● Ask them why they don’t have children or when they’re having children
● Assume that adoption or fostering is the next best option for them
● Offer unsolicited advice

● Assume that you must treat them differently to protect their feelings

Things You May Need to Hear if You are Trying and/or Childless:
● This experience makes you no less of a man or a woman. You are as valuable as you were before you started this journey.
● Whatever you’re feeling. . .it’s the right feeling. You have permission to feel it.
● I love you no matter the outcome. You’re important in my life.

Here are some ways to connect with individuals who are experiencing infertility remember the acronym INVITE:
Invite to all functions even if you think they might not want to go
Never add pressure
Value their experience
Initiate conversations to ask how they can be supported
Take time to spend with them one-on-one to reduce isolation
Embark on the journey of conceiving with the couple