Postpartum Depression as a Dad

By Matthew Benson, Marriage and Family Master’s Student at Auburn University

I remember the moment my kid was born. It was the biggest rush of excitement and joy to watch my son enter life! And then we had to take him home.

It is almost a cliché to say that raising children is hard. Becoming a new father is so difficult. Women and mothers will hear about postpartum depression. I was on alert for my wife to have postpartum depression. I was totally blind-sighted to realize symptoms of postpartum depression in myself. It is cliché to say that parenting is hard. It is unheard of to hear about the mental health struggles of new fathers. Yet it happens. 10% of new fathers develop depression. Up to 50% of new fathers develop depression if the mother also develops depression. It happens.

For me, I felt completely incapable. My son would not take a bottle and could only soothe through breastfeeding. I would watch him scream and cry and I could do nothing! As I held my screaming child, I felt like his screams pierced me saying “you are not good enough!” “I only want Mom!” “You super suck at this!” What more, my wife became more anxious, straining our relationship and I often got a similar message from my wife that I was not doing well enough.

This tracks with the research on male postpartum depression. Low self-efficacy leads to male postpartum depression. Low self-efficacy means you feel that you can’t make a difference, so why even try. My wife was going to be able to take care of our son, why should I even try?

Other factors can make male postpartum depression worse. Depressed Mom, relationship distress, and lacking social support put new fathers at greater risk for depression. Unrealistic expectations for parenthood and previous domestic violence also put new fathers at risk for depression.

Naturally, treating male postpartum depression can address these risk factors. Learning to give a good massage treats male postpartum depression well. As soon as you find out you’re expecting, or right now, make it a practice to massage your partner twice per week for 20 minutes- it is an effective evidence-based treatment. Don’t do it to try to have sex, just do it to relax your wife. Hopefully, this will improve your relationship, help relax Mom, and help you feel that you are doing something right as a father.

And share your struggles! Lacking social support puts you at risk. Talk to your partner, set realistic expectations. Comfort each other. Seek couples counseling if necessary.

Having a child is… difficult! You can use the difficulty to bring you closer to your partner, to your family. It is completely normal and expected to feel stressed, tired, angry, inadequate, etc. You don’t need to go it alone. Share your feelings and experience with those you trust and love. And you will make it through this.